i hate my husband because of his mother

Stop wanting and do it. For a few weeks or months. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. 7) You Have a Dysfunctional Idea Of What a Marriage Should Be. And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. Her husband had cheated and understandably so, the wife was filled with rage and feelings of hatred. Strange, right? that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Sorry, but between you and yesterdays LW, Ive reached my limit with the sense of entitlement and lack of compassion for ailing parents Im seeing. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. He's not perfect but no one is. June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". I loved this response! I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. I want to point out how rich it is that LWs FIL is lecturing HER about broken promisesisnt he the one that married MIL and made a vow before God to take care of her in sickness and in health? Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! LW, presumably your husband was fulfilling his promise sufficiently to take care of his mother before you all moved in with her so what steps can you take to get back to that status quo? But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. Possibly. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. Right? This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. Hate is a strong word. Go right back to when you used to love your husband. 7. Of course this is family (a parent! Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Oh, come on. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. Raccoon eyes Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? How? And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. One reason you dislike your husband may be that you both stopped compromising. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. Theres a nicer way to present it. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. I am also very sympathetic with the LW. So you talk to your husband and you move out. The stress that would put on me every day. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. Put her in an elderly home already! Probably not the last. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? Im absolutely not saying it would be okay for her to cut ties from the MIL when she and her husband are finally able to and leave her to fester without getting her proper care, but I totally can understand how the LW feels so panicked about the situation, and how she doesnt want to spend the rest of her life continuing to live in the same house as her MIL, as it seems her husband wants to. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. It ended up being the best thing for her. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. Living with someone who requires a great deal of care who is incapable of caring for themselves, is very hard. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. . 3. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. And honestly maybe not have a baby when you cant afford a place to live? I want to know how messed up the husband is from how shitty of a mother he had. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. He doesn't work on the relationship. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). Skyblossom I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. Its not easy, but its necessary. You fight over the most trivial thing and give no room for mistakes. Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. Wheres your compassion for that? The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. something random It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. That would help a lot with the hygiene. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! But who among us isn't? It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. However, don't dwell much on it. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. . I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. Also. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. And some of your concerns being naked? Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). Id look into a home health aide. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. Im sympathetic to the LW. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. Yeah, this is pretty horrible. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. You might hate your husband because he prioritizes only himself. with yourself. My story : . Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. Nope, sorry dont buy it. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. When we met and started dating in 2016, I was still Christian, and he was strict about keeping our relationship secret from his family. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki So let me see if I understand this. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. It does not have to be living with her. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. Now that we have a toddler Ive really had to remind my husband about it. Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. I *DO* appreciate how difficult that has to be for the LW, and I can empathize with that frustration. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. And not because of some grandiose moral notion of kindness, but because not being able to access that compassion makes every single moment of the process strained, draining, and just all around awful for yourself and everyone involved. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. How Did You Decide Whether to Have Another Baby? You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. But who among us isnt? Soooo I think that Husband promised to step in and take care of his mother. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. They are inseparable. However, things have changed now. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. My grandma also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply. A central . Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. Is that right? I dunno. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . Skyblossom His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. And I can just now stomach pineapple. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. The womans her MIL. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. RedRoverRedRover Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. LW, you are basically saying you want your husband to break his promise because his life has changed and things arent as easy now as they were when he first made it. It will complicate your marriage more. My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. 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